My Goblet of Fire Parody
by MuffinPuppet
Summary: GoF was on TV on Sunday and I was seized anew by the urge to spoof it. If you're like me and can't get enough HP spoofs, R&R. Edit: A ton of people favorited but not a lot have reviewed. I like reviews.


The WB logo looms onto the screen, backed by swirling clouds and wizardly music.

PARENTS IN THE AUDIENCE: It's so nice to be taking the children to see a sweet kids movie. Of course, we haven't seen any since the first one, but that was a delightful romp.

The movie opens with the image of a HUGE DEADLY SNAKE slithering around. A lonely old man named FRANK BRYCE goes into an ominous-looking old house.

PARENTS: Look, sweetie, he looks sort of like Grandpa, doesn't he?

The MAN WHO LOOKS SORT OF LIKE GRANDPA spies on THREE GUYS plotting the murder of a tender young boy. The SNAKE goes in and tattles on FRANK. The RAT GUY from the last movie opens the door, and FRANK THE OLD MAN gets blown away in a rush of fiery death.

KIDS: Cool!

PARENTS: This _is_ rated G, right?

--

HARRY: Whew! It was all a dream!

HERMIONE: Was it a dream, Harry? _Was_ it?

HARRY: Holy frick, what are you doing standing over me? And what do you know about my dreams?

HERMIONE: I see all and know all.

STEVE KLOVES: _(beams with pride)_

HERMIONE: Now I'll go and bug Ron. Wake up, jerk.

RON: _(wearing a tank top) _Bloody hell!

STEVE KLOVES: It's funny, 'cause he says it so much.

HP FANS: Actually, he never once uses that term in the books. Nor does anyone else, actually.

STEVE KLOVES: Well...I like to give the characters more depth, you know.

OUR HEROES go walking through the woods till they run into AMOS DIGGORY.

AMOS DIGGORY: Hello, chaps! See, in the book I was this total stage dad jerkoff, but now I'm a great guy so you feel more sympathy for me when my super-son bites it. Pretty clever, eh? By the way, where is my super-son?

The FUTURE EDWARD CULLEN jumps adorably down from the treetops; you can practically see his good guy cape flowing gently in the wind behind him.

HERMIONE and GINNY: Now that's a man! Beats the guys we're pining over...

RON: _(with a bearlike yawn and a newly shaggy mane of hair)_ I know we're going to the Quidditch World Cup, but where are we going?

HARRY: Touch a boot? I don't know how.

--

OUR HEROES: _(laughing and pointing like dorks sort of) _Oh, the wonder! Look at all the people! All is right with the world!

TENT: Look, look, you'll love this...Okay, from the outside, I look like a wussy little tent, right? But check this out--on the inside I'm actually a fully functional flat!

HARRY: I love magic!

HP FANS: _(avoiding the eyes of the smirking Potter skeptics)_

They proceed immediately to the stadium, which is appropriately big.

MALFOY JR. AND SR.: Ha ha! You a Mudblood, Granger!

NON-READERS: Oh, does this movie have the metaphorical racial subplot too?

HP FANS: Not really, Kloves just likes any line that draws attention to Hermione. Oh, watch, we'll be seeing Krum any second now. The book describes him as a reserved, slight, rather birdlike individual.

A decidedly APELIKE INDIVIDUAL fills the monitor and pumps fist.

KRUM: Yaaaaaa! Meeeeee! You love MEEEEEE!

HERMIONE: He's my dream man!

RON: Yeah, mine too! Wait—what?

HERMIONE: Nothing.

--

The Quidditch World Cup is over. We didn't actually see any of it, but most people are actually quite grateful for this. For a brutally dangerous sport played in midair with balls that try to kill you, Quidditch is actually about as riveting as an old _Leave it to Beaver _episode.

RON: Krum is teh cool! Nothing will challenge my devotion to him! Nothing, right?

R/Hr SHIPPERS: Heh heh.

Suddenly the KU KLUX KLAN comes parading through the campsite.

NON-READERS: What are they doing?

HP FANS: They're torturing the Muggles.

NON-READERS: What Muggles?

HP FANS: Oh...well, you're right, it looks like the Roberts family isn't there.

NON-READERS: So what are they doing?

KU KLUX KLAN: WE MAKE FIYAAA!

HARRY: Hey, you guys, don't leave me!

HERMIONE: Harry!

NON-H/Hr SHIPPERS: Okay, Hermione, once is good.

HERMIONE: HARRY! HARRY!

NON-H/Hr SHIPPERS: Shut UP.

HERMIONE: Relax, you guys, this is just to keep the focus on me.

--

HARRY uses the classic fainting-and-waking-up-an-indeterminate-amount-of-time-later device to change scenery.

HARRY: Hey, who's there? Come on, don't be shy. I'm sure you're not a dangerous psychopath or anything.

STRANGER WHO IS MOST LIKELY A GREAT GUY: _(shoots a Satanic symbol out of his wand into the sky)_

RON and HERMIONE: Hey, Harry.

HARRY: Oh, hey, guys. Look at that.

RON and HERMIONE: OMG CRAP CRAP CRAP OMG RUN!

HARRY: Wimps. What's the worst that can happen from a shape in the sky?

RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF MINISTRY WIZARDS: YOU'RE DEAD, TWERP!

MR. WEASLEY: It's okay, guys. He's still getting over the concept of magic tents.

HARRY: This was the worst camping trip ever. Hey, you guys? Let's never go camping again.

RON: Sounds like a plan.

HERMIONE: Never again.

RON: Ever.

AUDIENCE: _(clueless)_

_--_

THE TRIO is on the train back to Hogwarts.

HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS: Harry, your scar is hurting. Harry, you need to write to Sirius so the non-readers remember who he is.

HERMIONE: Girls, girls! Sorry, they're just a little overexcited at the opportunity to impart words of wisdom.

HARRY: What wisdom? All you did was take like eight hours to say that my scar is hurting, which happens every other minute, and to write to my godfather, which if you'd read the book you'd know I did all on my own.

HERMIONE: _(sulking)_ I sound smart, damn it.

CHO: Don't worry, Harry, here I am at last. The softspoken submissive Asian-Scottish goddess of your dreams. I want two Pumpkin Pasties, which you find ultraerotic.

HARRY: I've died and gone to heaven.

AUDIENCE: What? What's so special about the Asian chick?

HARRY: I just find her...inexplicably intoxicating...

Meanwhile, in heaven...

JAMES POTTER: _(to Lily)_ I told you not to lull him to sleep with Chinese anime.

--

DUMBLEDORE: Hiiii, everybody!

EVERYBODY: Hi, Professor Dumbledore!

HP FANS: _(glaring at Michael Gambon) _Dumbledore? Where?

DUMBLEDORE: Now, there may be a little interruption in a second, but I want you all to just ignore—

Suddenly a GRIZZLED DERANGED-LOOKING MAN stumps in, sporting a peg leg and a ginormous fake eye that zooms in on individual students, mostly HARRY. His entrance is subtly accompanied by a crash of lightning.

MOODY: Arrr, it be a beastly night out thar, maties. Watch this. _(throws back head and swigs ostentatiously from a flask) _

SEAMUS: What d'you s'pose he's drinking? (Notice that he is drinking something, and that it is not intended to be innocuous.)

HARRY: I dunno, but I don't think it's pumpkin juice.

HP FANS: Dudes, tone it down a notch or thirty. We want the non-readers to be surprised.

NON-READERS: What? Oh. He's an alcoholic?

PARENTS: Watch it, movie.

DUMBLEDORE: So. Mad-Eye Moody, everyone! And you'll never guess what he's teaching!

COMPLETE POTTER NEOPHYTES: Flying?

COMPLETE IDIOTS: Gym!

EVERYBODY ELSE: Defense Against the Dark Arts.

DUMBLEDORE: _(recovering quickly)_ And even if that didn't surprise you—this will! We're having a tournament this year—

STILL PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY: Yeah, we know. Even those of us who didn't read the book.

DUMBLEDORE: —and Harry isn't involved in it! Only seventeen and older gets to enter!

NON-READERS: Really? Good job, we are surprised!

DUMBLEDORE: _(beams)_

HP FANS: You don't really believe that, do you?

NON-READERS: No, but let him have this one.

DUMBLEDORE: Now, this wasn't supposed to happen until October, but since the film critics in the audience are already complaining on their notepads how it's taken long enough just to get this far—WHY DON'T YOU WASTOIDS CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD AS MISERABLE AS YOU ARE—CRITICS KILLED MY UNCLE—could you guys just come in now?

A troupe of FOXY FRENCH GIRLS march in. They sigh dreamily, performing well-rehearsed backflips, and BUTTERFLIES fly out of their clothes. Extra focus is given to FLEUR's face, giving the AUDIENCE the misguided impression that she will have screen time in this movie.

HP FANS: Where are the Beauxbatons boys?

MIKE NEWELL: Oh, I decided to cut the Beauxbatons boys. France cares most about educating its women, so they don't debase themselves as mindless sex toys.

The camera zooms in on the FOXY FRENCH GIRLS' beguiling booty shaking.

MIKE NEWELL: Oh, uh—how did that get in there?!

PARENTS: Good gosh! I'd expect this from an Amanda Bynes movie but not Harry Potter!

Next, a troupe of beefcake boys enter with an equally rehearsed dance routine, in which they grunt impressively and pound thick sticks into the floor.

BOYS OF HOGWARTS: Way to kill our boners, Newell.

HP FANS: What's your excuse for no Durmstrang girls?

MIKE NEWELL: Bulgarians—or whatever they are—are sexist pigs, now shut up.

RON: Look, it's Krum! I thought he was introduced at the Quidditch World Cup for no reason! I never dreamed he'd be important later! You think there was a reason for emphasizing my fanboy worship of him that I should be worried about?

HERMIONE: Of course not, Ron. I'm eyeing his big stick because I'm interested in the workmanship of...wood...phallacy...

KARKAROFF: Aalll-boose!

A LOT OF PEOPLE: _(find this hilariously erotic for some reason)_

MADAME MAXIME: I'm actually not a transvestite.

HAGRID, totally turned on by this news, absentmindedly impales FLITWICK's hand with a fork, which is perhaps supposed to be funny or even cute, but is actually pretty horrifying.

--

MOODY: All right, dirtbags, this is the only lesson in the only class you'll be attending all year as far as this movie is concerned, so you know it's gotta be important. Who can tell me about the Unforgivable Curses? Why are they called the Unforgivable Curses?

HERMIONE: Because they're unforgivable.

MOODY: Thank you, Miss Duh. Someone other than you can answer the next question. Yo, funky redhead. Gimme an Unforgivable Curse.

RON: The one that lets you control people.

MOODY: That's right, watch._ (takes out a spider and levitates it around the room, making it fly from person to person)_

RON: Um, sir, I think you misunderstood. What the Imperius Curse actually gives you is control over people's actions through their mind. They don't become, like, physically your puppet. What you're doing is really just physical manipulation, it's not the same thing. I suggest you read the book again.

MOODY: _(flies the spider onto Ron's head)_ ANYONE ELSE WANNA BE A HERO?

NEVILLE: It's pretty important that you ask me what the next one is. Well, actually not super important to the overall plot. As it turns out, my mentally ill parents weren't giving me secret messages with the bubble gum wrappers and actually I never personally avenge them either, but it does come up again in this one. The next curse causes pain and my parents were driven insane by it.

MOODY: I know, I did it, you suckitard.

NEVILLE: What?

MOODY: Here, have a book on magic plants. And I'm now going to cause this spider the unendurable pain of which you speak. Oh yeah—OH YEAH, oh baby, this takes me back. Ha ha, eat dirt, this kid's parents—I mean, filthy arachnid.

HERMIONE: _(under the impression that she is starring in a bad drama)_ STOP IT! CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S BOTHERING HIM, STOP IT!

MOODY: I'm not deaf, dearie, you could've just said it. Since you're feeling so very vocal, what's the last curse?

HERMIONE: _(shakes her little curls and pouts prettily)_

CANON HERMIONE: _(turning over in her untimely grave)_

THE SPIDER: Would you just kill me already?

--

HARRY: So to enter the tournament we just put our names in the Goblet of Fire. I have a feeling the invisible storytelling forces are bent on seeing me compete in this tournament but I'm one step ahead of them! I'm getting nowhere near that goblet. _(pauses)_ Somebody else can, though. Just, you know, thought I'd put that out there.

CEDRIC: I'm really humble and quite perfect, so don't think of this as arrogance on my part for a second, but I think I'd kick some total a-- if I were in this tournament.

RON: _(does a deeply disturbing grin and wave at Cedric and nobody has any clue why as Ron is famously straight)_

MIKE NEWELL: No reason, I just think it's funny to make Ron look stupid.

COLUMBUS AND CUARON: The movie is in good hands!

MUFFINPUPPET: I hate you all.

HARRY: Oh, come on, who's gonna put my name in? The movie's called HARRY POTTER, people! Not CEDRIC DIGGORY, no matter how much of a charismatic dreamboat he may be. Hey, what about Karkaroff? There was a clip just barely of him furtively entering the Great Hall and closing the doors dramatically behind him. You think he did it?

HP FANS: Actually, that was just the most pointless red herring ever.

FRED and GEORGE: Non-readers barely know who we are, but this is our chance to fix that by attempting humorously to enter the tournament.

HERMIONE:_ (in one of her many annoying voices)_ It's not going to wuhh-uk.

FRED and GEORGE: _(try to put their names in and consequently grow beards)_

KRUM: _(to Hermione) _You ver right about something an idiot could haff guessed. Let us make some hot eyelove.

--

DUMBLEDORE: I'm sure you all are tingling with suspense, because it's time to find out who the champions are!

NON-READERS: The apelike Bulgarian athlete, the only one of the French girls who's gotten one frame to herself, and Harry freaking Potter.

GOBLET OF FIRE: Wrong! It's the apelike Bulgarian Quidditch player, that one French girl, and that epitome of sweet gorgeous boyhood, Cedric Diggory!

NON-READERS: Oh. Well, maybe this movie isn't as predictable as we thought. Maybe they'll find a creative and interesting way to involve Harry in the tournament without going for the obvious and making him a champion through some contrived means.

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, well, now we have our three champions! But in the end—

HP FANS: _(roll eyes affectionately)_ Here he goes with some soppy inspirational speech about how everyone is of equal value and everyone will contribute by showing the champions friendship and support. Classic Dumbles.

DUMBLEDORE: But in the end, only one will go down in history. Only one will win. The other two will be mere scum between the winner's toes. And the rest of you are worthless nobodies that I won't dignify by acknowledging. A--holes.

HP FANS: Where's Dumbledore?

GOBLET OF FIRE: Oh, and Harry Potter.

DUMBLEDORE: Beg pardon?

GOBLET OF FIRE: Harry Potter, that one kid the movie's named after? He's in this tournament thing too.

AUDIENCE: We knew it.

HARRY: Well, I should hope you did. I _am _the star, you know.

AUDIENCE: In name, sure, but come on. Third Student From the Right is more interesting than you.

RON: I'm pissed, see? See? _(Eight seconds of evil eye later)_ SEE?

--

DUMBLEDORE: _(shaking Harry like a rag doll)_ HARRY! DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYA?! SPEAK, YOU SNIVELING LITTLE PIECE OF TOAD CRAP!

HARRY: Y-y-you're hurting me, sir.

HP FANS: Seriously, shouldn't Dumbledore be somewhere around here? He hates it when people shake his students like that, he'd put a stop to this. Really, he was a great character, the movies should think about showing him once in a while.

CROUCH: I'm sort of important to the story, so I'll say something so you know who I am. Anyone whose name comes out of the goblet has to compete. That's the rule.

KARKAROFF: What about the rule that says each school gets only one champion? And the rule that says no one under seventeen can enter? And—

MOODY: Those are just guidelines, now shut your cakehole.

KARKAROFF: But—

MOODY: DIDJA DO IT?!

KARKAROFF: What? No! But I'll act all shady like so the audience thinks I did, so no one suspects you.

NON-READERS: Oh, come on, it's the most obvious thing in the world this Moody dude's the bad guy. Are we honestly supposed to be stumped here?

HP FANS: It wasn't so obvious in the book! It was highly emphasized that he was Dumbledore's friend and a fierce Auror; it didn't make as much sense as it clearly does here. And—and Moody's _not_ the bad guy!

NON-READERS: Oh, what? Is he some random evil dude in disguise? Ha, how lame would that be?

HP FANS: _(small voice) _It made sense in the book.

--

McGONAGALL: It's not rocket science, genius. What's wrong with just not letting Potter play? The goblet won't eat him or anything if he disobeys it. It's a freaking cup.

DUMBLEDORE: Well. I actually just thought it would be funny to watch the kid struggle cluelessly through these deadly challenges, but you're right, watching a magic cup eat him would be pretty freaking hilarious too.

McGONAGALL: Albus, I know you're a great guy and everything, but—

DUMBLEDORE: I still like the deadly task thing better, though.

--

RON: Harry, I'm very angry with you.

RON'S ADORING FANS INCLUDING ME: Okay, hon, we just know you're going to be earth-shattering in this scene. Go on. Break our hearts. Make everyone feel Ron's deep-seated pain and inadequacy at constantly being in Harry's shadow. Move the freaking Academy itself to tears.

RON: _(mumble pout mumble) _Piss off, Harry.

RON'S ADORING FANS: That was it? Okay, don't panic. We're not disappointed. In fact, that was great. You are amazing! Just, you know. Keep at it and such.

--

RITA SKEETER: Darlings! Contrary to appearances—my being played by a fairly notable actress—my subplot has been cut and I have no importance to the story whatsoever! I exist solely to annoy, and to make life hell for you four champions. And by you four champions, I mean the Potter kid. Because, as you know, the public is far more interested in barely pubescent bespectacled runty boys than in blonde French supermodels, beefcake athletes, and charismatic dreamboat golden boys.

HARRY: Fifty million Potter fans can't be wrong!

RITA SKEETER: You don't mind if I shimmy my lady parts against you while I interview you in a cozy closet, do you, child?

HARRY: I suppose if I squint hard you could be Asian.

RITA SKEETER: Okay, Harry—favorite hobby, favorite product, and favorite music genre, go!

HARRY: Oh, okay, uh...Quidditch...Ms. Freshley's(TM) treacle tarts...and opera.

RITA SKEETER: _(writing)_ Sex...drugs...and rock 'n' roll, thank you!

--

FIREPLACE: Psst! Harry!

HARRY: Sirius? Boy, you look terrible.

SIRIUS: People do this all the time!

HARRY: Yeah, but your face is supposed to be floating in the fire. There's not supposed to be a horrifying charred death mask of you bulging from the ash.

SIRIUS: Yeah, well, Gary Oldman didn't want to waste his time on a movie where his character is supposedly prominent yet he is only in one scene, so I'm just being portrayed by CGI. Now, this Karkaroff dude used to be a Death Eater—do the people who haven't read the book know what Death Eaters are? Screw them—and I think he put your name in the Goblet of Fire.

HARRY: Well, since he's the first person we thought of, it must be him!

NON-READERS: _(crossing Karkaroff off their mental list of suspects)_

HARRY: Sirius, I'm really scared. I think someone wants me to die. I mean, a lot of people want me to die, but now they want me to die in a highly gruesome and highly public—albeit highly flattering if I do say so myself—manner. Could you, like, get me a doctor's note or something? Even just words of comfort would be great.

SIRIUS: I can't help you, Harry. Nobody can. You are pretty much doomed. If it helps, I'll book a gravesite for you in a really upscale cemetery next to the Beatles.

HARRY: I'm sure your death in the next movie will be so emotional for me and the audience, Mr. One Scene Wanker.

--

HARRY: Hey, Neville. _(flops down on outdoor psychiatrist couch)_ I'm feeling sort of crappy. It's not easy being awesome. Ron hates me for it. And if you read the book you know how deeply this affects me, even though these scumbucket movies make it out that Hermione's my main man and Ron's just sort of a lovable nuisance.

NEVILLE: Gee, Harry, I'd love to help you, but all I know about is plants! Magic water plants like this!

HARRY: And I care.

NEVILLE: Actually, you do. You just don't know it yet.

RON: Hermione, since I'm not talking to _Harry_, please tell himthat I know some guy whose cousin's fiancée has a brother whose math teacher's son dated some girl who once went to a sleepover where she met some kid whose uncle sent a letter to the guy who sits behind me saying that Hagrid told me he's looking for you.

HERMIONE: Hagrid told Ron he's looking for you.

HARRY: Ginny, tell Ron I'll gladly meet Hagrid so long as no redheaded jerks will be in attendance.

GINNY: Will you be there, Ron?

RON: Hermione, tell Ginny I had no intention of going. I thought I'd enjoy a night by the fire with a fine piece of literature.

HERMIONE: Ron, you're still talking to Ginny.

RON: Ginny, tell Hermione that I'll decide who I'm still talking to.

HERMIONE: Ron, you're not not talking to me.

RON: Harry, tell Hermione to keep her nose out of my affairs.

HERMIONE: Ron, Harry's the one you're not speaking to.

CREDIT: _(goes to The Simpsons)_

RON: Good day to you all! _(glowers woodenly and unattractively at Harry)_

RON'S FAITHFUL FANS: Okay, hon, that's good. Just, you know. Keep moving forward. Don't _(nervous laugh)_ get worse, or anything. Which you're not doing, because you're the greatest. Just, you know, something to think about.

--

HAGRID: Would you be interested in bending a rule or two, Harry?

HARRY: Would I!

HAGRID: Great. Oh, and Olympe's coming with us too. She's my first date in...forever. _(to Madame Maxime) _I could never forget you, my ginormous rosebud.

HARRY: _(best impression of Ron's grossed out face)_

HAGRID: Okay, Harry, see that?

HARRY: That mountainous reptilian fire-breathing creature of horror?

HAGRID: Yeah, think you could take it on and live?

HARRY: No.

HAGRID: Oh. Well. Gee, I, um...I didn't think this far. Well...you kind of have to. Whoa, look at that firepower! Wonderful creatures, dragons, aren't they? Oh...right.

--

HARRY: Cedric, you think you could take on a dragon and live?

CEDRIC: Reckon so. I'm quite perfect.

HARRY: Really? Uh, me too! I know exactly how I'm gonna kick that suckdragon's patoot.

MOODY: POTTER!

HARRY: Oh gosh, yes, I was lying, I lied, please don't kill me, I like life sort of.

MOODY: I'm not gonna help you cheat. I just got two words for you: Summoning Charm.

HARRY: The band?

MOODY: Okay, listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once. You're a good flier.

HARRY: Guilty as charged.

MOODY: You're not allowed a broom.

HARRY: Sucks.

MOODY: You're allowed a wand.

HARRY: Interesting.

MOODY: What are you going to do with it?

HARRY: My wand is shiny.

MOODY: You can get practically anything you want with that baby. So what are you going to get?

HARRY: Submissive Asian girls!

MOODY: Potter, listen carefully. You...

HARRY: Uh-huh.

MOODY: ...will summon...

HARRY: Ten four.

MOODY: ...your broom...

HARRY: Pretty.

MOODY: ...to your side while you're fighting the dragon so you can fly past it. But you came up with that on your own. Are we perfectly clear?

HARRY: ...

MOODY: ...

HARRY: Broom rhymes with cookie.

MOODY: _(has his work cut out for him)_

_--_

HERMIONE: Okay, Harry, you can do this. The secret is—

HARRY: Oh, yes, please, what?

HERMIONE: Concentrate.

HARRY: Oh. Great. Thank you, Miss Duh.

HERMIONE: Why does everyone keep calling me that?

HARRY: Well, I'm gonna go die now. See ya.

HARRY walks out to an empty arena fashioned into craggy safety hazard rocks, so the DRAGON feels as comfortable as possible.

HARRY: Huh. This dragon isn't so bad. In fact, I don't even see it. Yeah, hi, everybody! It wasn't easy getting through this task. I couldn't have done it without—oh, wait, there it is.

HARRY summons his broom and he and the DRAGON fly around for an hour or ten, sporadically engaging in snazzy comic-book-style word dueling (i.e. "Like it HOT, hero?" and "You are GOIN' DOWN, lizard brain!"). They eventually take it out of the arena and grope around on the castle roof for another 6.5 hours. Even though this is kind of heart-pounding, it also kind of isn't because not even THE GREENEST POTTER NEOPHYTE thinks for one second that HARRY is going to die halfway through his fourth installment. The DRAGON sort of does, though.

HP FANS: Was it necessary to have the dragon fall into a never-before-seen ravine, presumably to its death? In the book Harry just got the golden egg and then the dragon could be restrained and safely returned home. Come on, it was a _mother _dragon!

RON: Harry, can—can you ever forgive me?

HARRY: I'm listening.

RON: I was wrong. The truth is you mean so much to me and—

HARRY: Dude, dude, we're cool, just—stop.

--

CHO: Time to remind the audience I'm alive. _(smiles at Harry)_

HARRY: _(attractively spews pumpkin juice from his oral cavity as is the mating ritual of wizards)_

RANDOM KID: Hey, guys!

THE TRIO: Oh, hey, Nigel.

HP FANS: Who the hell—?

MIKE NEWELL: I felt a cute little twerpy fanboy kid was needed.

HP FANS: What about Colin and/or Dennis?

MIKE NEWELL: Don't you like Nigel?

HP FANS: Get rid of it. Fast.

RON: Okay, what I don't get is why they cut things that would get cheap laughs at Hermione's expense like the big honking teeth thing and all that, and they cut everything that makes me look good, but they go out of their way to rub it in that I have to wear these hideous lacy dress robes and don't even let me use a charm on them to make them look better like I did in the book. It's like they hate me or something.

MIKE NEWELL/STEVE KLOVES: Oh, Rufus, you have such an imagination. _(doodling pictures of Ron with an arrow through his head and contracting leprosy while a badger eats his foot)_

_--_

McGONAGALL: Every girl has a swan. Every boy has a hungry, hungry lion.

EVERYBODY: There has got to be a way to turn that into innuendo, but we can't for the life of us think how.

McGONAGALL: What I mean is, there's going to be a dance and every boy has to take a girl and see how he likes it. It's about time you sweet little innocent freaks started getting hot for each other. I need a victim to demonstrate with...let's see. Who hasn't been humiliated at all over the past three and a half movies?

NEWELL/KLOVES: You're up, Rufus!

McGONAGALL: Okay, hot stuff, put that hand there...and the other one there...Oh, yes. OH, YES. How I've missed this.

--

RON: Okay, the next girl I see, I'm just going to ask her to the ball. Okay, I'm opening my eyes to see who the lucky girl is... Why, my goodness! Hermione, when did you get here?

HERMIONE: I've been here the whole time. You were talking to me just a second ago.

RON: Shut up, I had no idea. Well, guess I have to ask you to the ball now! So, um—please?

HERMIONE: I'm going with someone else. You've had years, you putz. _(pause)_ I mean, days. We've only known about this ball thing for days. And I haven't been pining over your sorry butt since we were eleven...That would just be pathetic, right? Um, bye.

HARRY: Tough break, man. I'm off to corner me some sweet Asian sugar. Hey, Cho? How's about a date?

CHO: I've been asked already too. And it's kind of weird that you're asking me. The people who haven't read the book are probably wondering how you even know my name.

RON: I GOT TURNED DOWN AGAIN! BY THE FRENCH SUPERMODEL THIS TIME! OH, THE HORROR!

HERMIONE: OMG YOU ASKED HER? HOW COULD YOU? SUBTLETY BE DAMNED, I AM DISMAYED.

THIS: _(would be cute if they weren't so cringe-worthy here_)

PATIL TWINS, WHO ARE APPARENTLY BOTH IN GRYFFINDOR NOW: We'd be happy to be someone's expendable last resorts!

--

RON: _(looking at his disgusting outfit in the mirror)_ Isn't there anything I can do about this?

MIKE NEWELL: Gaffer, hide his wand. This is gold.

A painfully unfunny scene of RON moaning over his robes unfolds. Though it occurs to him to ask HARRY to euthanize him, it never once occurs to him to look for his wand.

RON: _(as they proceed down to the Great Hall) _Where d'you think Hermione is? D'you think someone really asked Hermione? I would've taken Hermione. Hermione Hermione momione fofione.

HARRY: Get help, dude.

HERMIONE: _(glides dramatically down the stairs, looking beautiful but pretty much the same as always)_

HARRY: What a transformation!

HP FANS: What transformation? In the book it actually meant something, but never once have these movies tried to make Hermione seem anything but the epitome of desirability. Um...hey, Harry? Stop staring at her now, we're starting to hear the distant annoying buzz of H/Hr shippers emerging hopefully from their dark underworld.

MIKE NEWELL: This is totally platonic! Harry's just gazing in _surprise _at her to demonstrate the drastic change in her. You can't prove I'm an H/Hr fanboy!

HERMIONE: Guess what? I'm here with Krum.

RON: You mean the guy I hate? Oh yeah, hate him. Always have, always will. Sorry if you got the wrong impression before.

HERMIONE: You freak, next time don't ask me as a last resort!

RON: Sorry, but that doesn't really apply here. In the book you sort of were, but in this I asked you first, even before Fleur, so what're you b-tching about?

HERMIONE: Why can't you just admit you're jealous?!

RON: Why can't you just admit you so want me (despite the movie's constant attempts to make me look unworthy of you)?

HERMIONE: I would, but those shipping wars are hilarious.

--

HARRY and HERMIONE are standing on the bridge that was introduced in the previous movie.

HP FANS: Now what are you doing, Newell?

MIKE NEWELL: What's wrong with that? Just two friends, sharing a friendly chat.

HERMIONE: Viktor and I don't really talk at all. Not like you and me do.

R/Hr SHIPPERS (or perhaps just ME): You suckitard Kloves! That was supposed to be an R/Hr moment in HBP, where Ron says that he and Lav-Lav don't really talk at all i.e. like he and Hermione do!

HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS: You've got to get to work on that golden egg, Harry. I'm scared for you. These tasks are meant to test you—in the most brutal way, they're almost cruel.

HARRY: Does that even mean anything?

HERMIONE: I sound smart, damn it!

HP FANS: The sad thing is, you really don't.

CEDRIC: Harry, you know that prefects' bathroom? _(sexy smile)_ It's not a bad place for a bath.

SLASH FANS: Ohhh, here we go!

MIKE NEWELL: Steve, how could you not have known how that would sound?

HARRY goes to said bathroom, strips down, and waits for CEDRIC to arrive.

HARRY: Where is he? The a--hole stood me up. I'll never trust again.

MOANING MYRTLE: But on the plus side, I'm here, and happy to offer advice and critique your winkus.

MYRTLE dives into the bathwater, shimmies suggestively against HARRY, making numerous saucy comments, and peering at HIS PETEY. I am making none of this up.

HARRY: And if you're disappointed that you guys didn't actually get to see anything, just drop by the West End Theatre sometime!

--

HARRY: Okay, so the mermaid song from the golden egg told me I have to spend an hour inside the lake.

HERMIONE: There's a problem here you may have missed, Harry. How are you supposed to breathe?

RON: _(his diary on his knee)_ Hey, Hermione, I thought of a great nickname for you. It's—

HERMIONE: If you say 'Miss Duh' I will honestly kill you.

RON: No, it's...I mean, yeah, that's it. _(crosses out "Snookums the Sexcat")_

MOODY: Hey, you two clingon freaks, McGonagall wants you. Scram. Neville, come here.

NEVILLE: Who's interested in magic water plants now?

HARRY: That's me. Always have been. Do share.

NEVILLE: Ah-ah-ah, say it.

HARRY: _(mumble) _I'm your b-tch. _(mumble)_

_--_

HARRY: Ron and Hermione have mysteriously disappeared—which I find not at all worrisome because I find my own problems more impressive—so I guess I'll have to take Neville's word for it that gillyweed will enable me to breathe underwater. _(dives and appears for a second to have drowned)_

NEVILLE: Oh my gosh—I've killed Harry Potter!

THIS: _(is my favorite line)_

HARRY, in his new mutant fish hybrid form, does a beautiful dolphin flip out of the water to reassure everybody, then goes swimming around without knowing what he's looking for. Finally, he finds RON, HERMIONE, CHO, and FLEUR'S LITTLE SISTER tied up, asleep, in the form of HIDEOUS OBVIOUSLY FAKE LIFE-SIZE DOLLS.

PARENTS: Look, sweetie, mermaids! Just like Ariel!

THE MERMAIDS: _(look like that one dinosaur that kills Newman in_ Jurassic Park_)_

HARRY: And save your breath if you're about to comment at the fact that I'm saving Ron while the other guys are saving their girlfriends. I'm secure in my manhood...I just find Ron intoxicating in his way. But just to be safe, I'll be carrying the little girl off too. Then you'll all be too busy making pedophile jokes to make gay jokes, right?

SLASH FANS: You won't take this away from us, Harry.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, Harry, you screwed up big time and sucked. Only second place for you—which means you and Cedric are tied for first place. That'll teach ya.

--

CROUCH: In the book I was this curt old man with a massive stick up my butt, but now I'm a timid, Quirrell-like pants-wetter.

NON-READERS: He's the bad guy!

MOODY: _(does snakey tongue)_

CROUCH: _(turns up dead next thing you know)_

NON-READERS: Wait, so who was that again?

--

SNAPE: I'm still in this movie! Don't forget me! To make my mark on the film, I'll throw in this film's fiftieth reference to Polyjuice Potion so everybody figures out the end.

HP FANS: Well, now they will. Thanks a lot.

NON-READERS: What the hell is Polyjuice Potion?

HP FANS: Do you take these movies in at all?

--

FUDGE: My stupid-jerkitude will be prominent in the next film, so here's a taste now.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, stay here and don't do anything stupid.

HARRY: Sounds simple enough. Hey, a thing!

HARRY falls into the past, joining the jury at a trial. Turns out to be KARKAROFF on trial. He's ratting out his FELLOW SCUMBAGS in exchange for his freedom.

CROUCH: Yeeaahhh...see, the thing is we already caught all these people, so this whole thing is kinda pointless. We probably should've looked into this before we wasted the taxpayers' money on a trial.

KARKAROFF: Wait, I know! Your son, he's evil too!

CROUCH JR.: Ha, it's true! I am evil!

KARKAROFF: Wow...really? Whew, that was lucky.

CROUCH JR.: In the book I did a really good act of being innocent. I screamed and cried and it was actually really heart-wrenching. But in this I'm just a blatantly repulsive one-dimensional a--hole. That's how _movies_ like their villains.

CROUCH: I HAVE NO SON!

KARKAROFF: Oh, great, it's the wrong guy.

CROUCH: I didn't mean that literally, it was for dramatic effect!

CREDIT: _(goes to The Simpsons, but this is the last time)_

CROUCH JR.: _(does snakey tongue)_

HP FANS: _(facepalm)_

_--_

HARRY: So the last task is just this big hedge labyrinth? Should be fine. The Dursleys tried to leave me in a corn maze once and I totally nailed it.

DUMBLEDORE: Now, listen up, you four. In this maze you'll find no creatures, like skrewts, sphinxes, or giant spiders.

HP FANS: No?

DUMBLEDORE: No. These movies are actually more psychological and deep than the books, not clichéd ultra-simplified recaps of vastly superior source material, not at all. So basically what this maze does is turn you all into backstabbing self-serving jerkheads who'd kill something sooner than look at it. Except for Harry, 'cause he's a noble angel who always resists the forces of evil. As for the rest of you—you sicken me. Off you go!

HARRY, CEDRIC, KRUM, and FLEUR enter the maze, which is actually fairly dull. The ONLY FEMALE CHAMPION is the first to go down, naturally. Soon, only HARRY and CEDRIC are left.

CEDRIC: Harry! You wouldn't leave me to be devoured by vines, would you?

HARRY: Well, I was gonna, but who could resist that face? You are a charmer. Okay, let's tie for it. The important thing is that the English triumph times two over the French and Bulgarians.

HARRY and CEDRIC touch the Triwizard Cup at the same time. Turns out THE BOOT at the beginning introduced an important concept; this cup also transports you to a certain place, this time a cemetery that has "Horror Movie Scene Coming Up!" written all over it.

--

BABY VOLDEMORT: Kill the eye candy. I want the attention on me.

HARRY: Oh, stop! I may be tantalizing but that's no reason to feel threat—OMG YOU SOB!

CEDRIC: _(dies in a brutally abrupt manner)_

KIDS IN AUDIENCE: Watch, I bet he comes back to life at the best possible moment and knocks out Voldemort with a funny comment like 'You like pain? Try wearing a corset.'

PARENTS: Of course he does. The only deaths that exist in movies like this are that of villains and vague tertiary characters and maybe the shriveled old jerk mentor eventually, not the cute young students.

MIKE NEWELL: _(cough)_ Yes, well, moving on...

WORMTAIL ties HARRY to a gravestone and conducts a ritual bloodletting by force.

THE WEIRD BREED OF INSECURE CHRISTIANS THAT CONDEMN HP AND ARE WATCHING IT STRICTLY FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES: We told you! We told you it portrays worrisome occult behavior that will wreak havoc with the minds of impressionable young children!

IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG CHILDREN: Yeah, 'cause we're totally compelled to emulate the villain's sniveling and unattractive little toady who used to be a rat. Geez, give us _some _credit, you 'tards.

WORMTAIL drops the VOLDEMORT BABY, which utters a feeble old man sound that doesn't improve his current emasculated image, into a cauldron. Into the cauldron he also puts a bone from TOM RIDDLE SR.'s grave, his own hand, and HARRY's blood. The BABY mutates into a NAKED SKELETAL SUBHUMAN BEAST that writhes and shrieks in midair over the cauldron. This actually looks pretty cool. Unfortunately, it then morphs into J. LO'S BOYFRIEND FROM _MAID IN MANHATTAN _(which I didn't see, I just saw parts of it on TV), only bald and chalky with no nose.

HP FANS: _(to the NON-READERS, trying to get them jazzed) _So, Voldemort's back!

NON-READERS: Yeah, again.

HP FANS: No, there is no _again. _He's never been back like this before.

NON-READERS: But we see him all the time.

HP FANS: No, you don't get it. He's never been _resurrected _properly before. This is serious. He's back to full power.

NON-READERS: Oh, please. Look at him, he's got one foot in the grave.

VOLDEMORT: _(yanks his foot out of an empty gravehole)_ I slipped, stupid. And how many other Voldemorts have you seen who were portrayed by an A-list actor? Oh, none? Interesting. You may lick my feet, Wormtail.

HP FANS: You know, the non-readers are probably wondering why everybody is calling him Wormtail, the name of one of the authors of the Marauder's Map from the last movie, which didn't bother to explain the identity of the four Marauders.

NON-READERS: Oh yeah, 'cause we totally pay painstaking attention to minute details like tertiary character names and something one guy may have said in one line a year ago like you freaks. Freaks.

VOLDEMORT: Attention, audience—shut up. I'm about to summon my cult members. _(does so)_ BOO!

CULT MEMBERS: AAAHH! OMG DON'T DO THAT!

VOLDEMORT: Heh, still got it. What up, Lucy?

LUCIUS: For the last time, it's Lucius and you know it, you ugly old man.

VOLDEMORT: Hey, hey. There's a new old villain in Pottersville, and it's me, so stop towering over me and talking to me in a contemptuous threatening manner as if you're the head baddie and I'm your feeble old man b-tch that you might kill to prove a point. I may look like a freaking teddy bear could take me down, but you're the effeminate Man-Barbie wearing a hairbow, _capiche_? Oh, this is so wasted on you. I need someone I can look big and bad next to. A scrawny, four-eyed schoolboy sounds about right.

HARRY: Well, I don't know about that, but I'm here, and just dying to have the camera back on me.

VOLDMEORT: So you are. I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter. I'll let you fret over that for a sec.

HARRY: Like you were going to kill me when I was twelve? And when I was eleven? And, oh, my personal favorite—when I was _one_?

VOLDEMORT: Those were just practice runs, dummy! This is the real deal! But just so the audience thinks you have a chance, I'm going to give ample opportunity for a deus ex machina to arrive. Just so everyone's shocked when none comes.

DEUS EX MACHINA: _(totally comes)_

VOLDEMORT: Yeah, I should probably stop doing that.

--

Okay, so here's what happened. VOLDEMORT very smartfully gave HARRY the chance to duel with him instead of just killing him. Their wands have a common core as was mentioned once way back in the day, so obviously this means HARRY gets a lightsaber and VOLDEMORT's wand has to ooze the spirits of people he has killed, including HARRY'S PARENTS and CEDRIC, who ward the bad guys off long enough for HARRY to get back to the Portkey toting dear CEDRIC's pretty corpse.

THE TWO OR SO PEOPLE WHO MIGHT READ THIS PARODY: Wait, wait, stop there. Don't touch this scene. You wouldn't dare parody a truly moving and heartbreaking scene in which everyone discovers the death of a beloved young boy.

MUFFINPUPPET: Oh WOULDN'T I?

PEOPLE WHO ASSEMBLED TO WATCH A TASK THAT THEY KNEW THEY WOULDN'T GET TO SEE AS IT TOOK PLACE IN A MAZE: Hail the conquering heroes! All is right with this picture! Sure, one of them is sobbing over the other one who is clearly dead, but in the end all that matters is that the British are cooler than—wait. One of them is kind of dead.

HARRY: _(may have taken acting lessons after all)_

DUMBLEDORE: It's all right, Harry. He's home! You both are!

HP FANS: Wait...feel-good sentiment that means basically nothing..._(gasp) _Dumbledore, you're here! Where've you been, buddy?!

DUMBLEDORE: Shut it, yous.

AMOS DIGGORY: Told you I'd evoke your heartfelt sympathy when the time came.

THIS: _(really is a moving and heartbreaking scene that I apologize for messing with ever so slightly)_

_-- _

THE PERCENTAGE OF THE AUDIENCE THAT ISN'T TERRIBLY ENTHUSED BY HP: Well, guess it's pretty much over, right?

MOODY: Not so fast, I still have to be revealed as the bad guy.

AFOREMENTIONED PERCENTAGE: Oh, come on! We'll take your word for it!

MOODY: How was it at the graveyard?

HARRY: Aha! Who told you it happened at a graveyard?

MOODY: You got me! I did it.

HARRY: Oh, pshaw.

MOODY: No, really, I did! I put your name in the Goblet of Fire and have been pulling the strings ever since to get you to that graveyard!

NON-READERS: Color us unsurprised.

MOODY: But—but—wait, there's more! I'm not Moody! I'm— _(does the rip thing from the Pepsi_ _Twist commercial)_ —Crouch Jr.!

NON-READERS: Who?

CROUCH JR.: Oh, come on! The guy who set off the Dark Mark! The guy at the trial! The son of the guy who showed twice and died! The guy in the dream that only played like eight jillion times throughout this movie!

NON-READERS: Oh...yeah...we totally remember. Uh, hey again, you! (Who?)

MY LITTLE BROTHER: That actor would make a great Venom in _Spiderman 3_ when they get to casting it.

TOPHER GRACE: Dare to dream!

DUMBLEDORE: Scum, freezebag! I mean...I mean, freeze, scumbag.

CREDIT: _(goes to The Simpsons, but that is the absolute final time. I'm so sorry, I didn't plan that one) _

CROUCH JR.: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

THAT LINE: _(has absolutely no purpose other than homoeroticism)_

DUMBLEDORE: Contact Azkaban. I think they'll find they're missing a prisoner.

HP FANS: That's it? But—but tell them about the elaborate means he went to to fake his death and be smuggled out! And show the dementors sucking his soul out!

EVERYONE ELSE: News flash, nerds—we so don't give a crap.

--

DUMBLEDORE: _(attempts his obligatory end-of-year resolution speech. His public one is pretty good, but his personal one to Harry sucks mildly)_

KRUM: Bye, Hermione, my love. Let's make it look like we are still so on, even though we as a semi-couple are never to be seen again.

FLEUR and GABRIELLE: And we're so into Ron.

R/Hr SHIPPERS (or perhaps just ME): Wait, you're supposed to show Ron being paranoid about Hermione and Krum still and Hermione scowling at Fleur! You're not supposed to make it look like each is happily secure in their foreign love!

HERMIONE: _(chest heaving with emotion and painfully weighing every word to bring the long-distracted focus back onto her)_ Everything's going to change now, isn't it?

HARRY: Actually, not really, but if you wanna make a dramatic closing statement to get the non-readers to come see the next movie, be my guest.

RON: D'you think we'll ever have a peaceful year at Hogwarts?

HARSH CRITICS OF HP: Go ahead, it can't be any more boring than this was.

HP FANS: Just—just read the book, okay?


End file.
